We’ve all been there: you’re finally living a healthier life and just going about your business, when at ome point, you’re experiencing a tiny setback. And another one. And maybe another one. And suddenly it feels more difficult again to maintain your healthy lifestyle, you start eating more unhealthy snacks, you don’t work out so much anymore and you may even feel like you’re falling back into old, unhealthy habits. Today I will give you tips that will help you deal with setbacks, explain why setbacks don’t exist, and give you perspective.
Why fallling back into an unhealthy eating pattern is not always a setback
If things don’t go so well with your healthy lifestyle, we quickly see this as a setback of relapse. But I actually don’t think relapse (as into an old behavioral pattern that’s not working for you) is a suitable word. Relapse implies that you take a step back, away from your goal. But it is completely normal that things don’t go smooth sometimes, or even for a longer period of time.
Side roads are part of life
Imagine you’re taking a long walk. You know the approximate route to your destination, but you don’t recognize every side road. Every now and then you may take a side road, a road where you see beautiful and less beautiful things, but eventually you notice that these roads do not lead to your destination and you have to go back to find the correct road.
Was that side road a waste of time? No, because you’ve learned that that particular path was not the right one for you and that means you can move on to your goal. Apparently the side road was part of your path on the way to your goal. You have learned from it (if all goes well) and you can move on. So in this way, this side road was not a setback, but rather a step closer to your goal!
You are not a robot!
Learning something new, such as stopping emotional eating by dealing with emotions differently, does not mean that you will never snack out of emotion again. Every now and then that happens. I see this more as progress, as long as you learn from it and learn to be accepting of yourself.
Also remember that sometimes we have been stuck in old thought and behavior patterns for a long time. You can’t change that overnight. And that’s fine, it lasts as long as it lasts. You are not a robot, but a human being and many things happen in a human life that we have to learn to deal with. Not everyone has always learned this well (for example because you used to get the feeling that you were not fine just the way you are), so you are now working on that. And that’s what it’s all about, we’re all really just works in progress. And if you’re now thinking “That may be true but my colleague who is slim and beautiful has this all worked out!”, then trust me: everyone has issues. They’re not always visible, but they’re there. And we should treat each other ánd ourselves with kindness because of that.
When in an unhealthy eating pattern: recognize your sabotaging thoughts and formulate helpful thoughts
When things are not going well, we often have thoughts that don’t help us move forward (“I’m so stupid”). Write down those thoughts, you know, the ones that sabotage you reaching your goal.
Then check whether they are correct at all. Typical sabotaging thoughts are: “I just can’t do this”, or: “I’m worthless”. Objectively speaking we can say that these thoughts are completely wrong, because you cán do a lot and no one is worthless!
Then ask yourself: are these thoughts helping me move forward? You guessed it: the answer is always no. Now write down thoughts that dó help you move forward. If necessary, do this with someone you trust and with whom you feel safe, and together look for better, stimulating thoughts.
3 types of problematic thoughts (and solutions)
There are actually three types of thoughts that are often the problem when things are not going well:
- Thinking negatively about yourself: when something goes wrong, you blame yourself, which makes you feel even worse. Write down these negative thoughts. What could be alternative thoughts? How could you speak to yourself in a gentler tone? For example, what would you say to a good friend? Write that down as well.
- Making things worse than they are. You can recognize these thoughts because you can always stick “and that’s terrible” behind them. Is it really that bad? Or is it not so bad? If you think of it as terrible, you’re much more likely to experience it that way.
- My favorite: perfectionism! That probably sounds familiar, right? Perfectionism expresses itself in always pushing yourself to do your best. And set high standards for yourself: “I must exercise at least four times a week” or “I can only have one snack per week”. How can ease your perfectionist self? Instead of thinking about what you nééd to do, think about what you actually wánt. This will bring you closer to your goal. And closer to the behavior you do want to show.
What helps in case of relapse or setback?
The tips above will help you a long way in getting some perspective and realising your situations is not so bad at al. If you feel like you’re moving in a downward spiral of unhealthy habits, these are also very useful tips:
Think about what really matters to you in life
What do you think is important in life? Why ? What exactly do you want to achieve? Do you still want that now? And is this really your wish or someone elses? What could be one small step you can take right now? By formulating this and even writing it down, you’re reflecting on your own progress and this helps to see your steps not as failures or setbacks.
And you don’t have to do everything at once. Make mini goals of your big goal and see what can be a first step to achieving such a mini goal. Don’t be hard on yourself and try to enjoy the process on the way to your goal!
Evaluate your goals
If you want to live a healthier life (for example by eating more vegetables or exercising more) and you have not achieved your goal, think about why you did not succeed and be honest about this.
What can you do now to take the first step? Plan that in your calendar. Also schedule a time for next week to evaluate your goal, and then answer the following questions:
- What steps have you taken to achieve your goal?
- What worked?
- What not?
- What can you do the following week to get closer to your goal? Maybe make your goal a little smaller? And if you have reached your goal: what new goal will bring you closer to the life you want?
Plan a moment every week to see whether you are still on track. Make your action plan for your goal very straightforward. Write down steps that are easy to achieve and that you’re looking forward to, that you feel positive about.
Learn to sense what your real needs are
The fact that things are not going well may also be due to the fact that you cannot properly assess what your real needs are. Have you binged again when you actually needed rest or comfort? For these types of situations you can make an “if-then plan”.
“If this happens, then I’ll do this”
How does an if-then plan work? Write down what you are going to do in a certain situation. Set it up like this: “If …. (fill in the situation), then…. (fill in what you will do then).
An example: “If I feel restless and am looking for a snack in the kitchen cupboards, then I sit down for five minutes, close my eyes and feel what I feel. Then I ask myself: what do I really need?”
Answers to this could lead you to other behaviour than unhealthy snacking, for example: someone to complain to (that’s allowed! In that case call a friend or talk to your partner), you need a rest (lie down for fifteen minutes, without a phone at hand), or perhaps you need to exercise to get the restlessness out of your body. Or of course, the answer can still be that you need a snack! Then eat, because sometimes it’s just hunger ;).
What makes you feel good immediately when things are not going well?
Finally, you can of course think of activities that can immediately limit the “relapse”. This may differ per person, but consider, for example, going outside for a walk or cycling, exercising, talking to someone about it, or writing everything down in a diary. Make a list of activities that you know work well for you. That you can express your emotions for a moment and that you feel distracted for a moment. Or that make you instantly happy. For me this is for example playing the piano, reading a book, cuddling with my kids, or go skiing (which I can do only once a year unfortunately; in that case it also helps me to watch my own reels on Instagram).
Properly anticipating a setback means having a fall back plan, so you are less likely to be surprised by it. And if you do relapse into old, unwanted behavior, the above tips will help you.
You don’t always have to focus on healthy living
Being very focused on a healthy life (or another health goal) is what we call linear thinking. If you notice that you are becoming a bit too fanatic with this (for example because you think about food an strategies all day long), try replacing it with process thinking. Process thinking is focused on change and learning, i.e. on the process itself, and not just on the end result.
It’s nice to achieve goals, but if you focus on learning and changing, it’s much easier to accept that you cannot control and plan everything in your life, and that there will always be ups and downs. This way of thinking will get you further.
By focusing on learning and change, for example, you no longer pay attention to how much you ate today and whether that was too much, but you become more aware of your hunger and satiety signals. This way you will be able to stop feeling guilty. And to think: I ate more at the restaurant than I wanted. But I’ve learned that giving myself permission to eat dessert reduces the urge to snack when I get home.
This way, you are much more aware of feelings that lead to certain behavior. This allows you to signal in time when things are going in a direction you don’t want. And then you simply pay extra attention to exercises that help you further.
Takeaway
If something goes wrong, you feel bad and you reach for the cookie jar or a bag of crisps, then I hope by now you’ll be a little more accepting of yourself. You may think “I’ll never learn” or “I won’t succeed anyway”. But as you’ve noticed, these thoughts don’t help you any further. In fact, you might give up altogether.
Accept that things may not go well for a while. You are a human being and not a robot. You can simply pick up again where you left off and try the tips above. One step back will not ruin your goal and what you think is important in life!
Also think about what you would say to a good friend if things go wrong. You wouldn’t be so judgmental, but instead offer support. Treat yourself the same way. One bad day or week is not the end of the world and actually helps you achieve your goal if you learn from it. Keep in mind what drives you and you’ll be fine.
By the way: snacking is also allowed!
If you want to live a healthier life, that doesn’t mean snacking is not allowed! The desire for sweets or snacks is natural, completely normal and very pleasant! So just include “unhealthy” products in your diet to prevent binge eating.
Best wishes,
Femke