Diets, healthy living and the pursuit of a healthy weight: it seems to have become a religion in our society. Everyone has to be tight, fit and lean. And if you don’t have a healthy lifestyle or a ‘normal’ dress size, you get the feeling that you don’t count. Our culture can give you the message that you are not good enough. In the West we have the ideal of slimness, and because of our diet culture, mainly women are on a diet their entire lives. That’s just crazy. So let’s put a stop to that, quit dieting once and for all. How? You have already taken the first step by reading this blog 🙂.
Diets and eating rules
Although I have never followed specific diets myself, I have always imposed many eating and lifestyle rules upon myself (and together they are a kind of diet):
- I always made myself wear clothes that made me look slimmer (so lot’s of black! I do like that colour though)
- I only allowed myself to eat fatty, sugary treats on the weekends
- I always had to count calories
- For a while I weighed all my food, including nuts (one by one! Nuts 😜)
- I exercised to burn calories, not for fun
- I turned down dinners at restaurants because I hated eating all those calories (I still sometimes think I need to do this)
- I always refused cake at parties (because: calories. By the way, I don’t even like most cakes, so now I’ll just say so. Never thought telling the truth would be a lot easier).
Eating didn’t feel like a free choice to me anymore and it started to dominate my life. I remember that at one point I had become very slim due to all the calorie restriction (this was more than 15 years ago) and I felt really happy about that (the thinner the better, I thought). Fortunately, in time I realised this was no way of living and, with a little help, I found my way out of all the restrictions (that had already resulted in an eating disorder).
The influence of your past on your self-image and your ideas about diets
In part, we get our self-image and our ideas about food from our childhood and how our parents treated us and food. If you have not experienced secure attachment in the past, this can continue to bother you for the rest of your life. For example, because you have low self-esteem, have little self-confidence and never consider yourself good enough.
You may therefore always follow a diet because you feel that you’re not good enough. Did your mother always diet? Then this was a lesson for you, already at an early age: it’s not ok to be who you are, so you have to go on a diet.
But… you are good enough, just the way you are! You may not always feel like this. But why wouldn’t you be good enough? You are a human being, with all your qualities, dreams and wishes. It’s all about what you think of yourself. And you can influence this much more than you might think.
Stop dieting once and for all
If you have once been on a diet, or regularly, to lose weight, you probably know that diets do not work in the long term. In this blog I explain that they can even be harmful to your body. What would be reasons for you to give up dieting completely? Indefinitely? Thinking about this can give you valuable insights, because it will become very clear to yourself that they don’t work for you and that you really don’t have to follow a diet anymore. Imagine the relief you would feel! To never have to diet again. How wonderful, you can focus on other, fun (!) activities again.
The questions below will help you in this process:
- What are your thoughts and views on weight loss in general?
- What are your views on your own weight loss?
- Do you think these views are correct?
- Where do these views come from? What origin do they have?
- How do you think your life will change if you keep trying to lose weight?
- How have your beliefs about weight loss influenced you?
- Have you put some aspects of your life on hold until you lose weight? Such as applying for a job, getting into a relationship or certain activities?
These questions will give you more insight into your ideas and beliefs about losing weight and your own weight. Of course, answering just these questions does not mean that you will never go on a diet again. Your views may be too persistent for that. That’s why it’s important to challenge harmful thoughts and provide helpful thoughts. So that you can ultimately be a lot gentler towards yourself and learn to accept all of the aspects that make you you.
“Everyone thinks I’m fat”: how can you get rid of these sabotaging thoughts?
Clinging to that fantasy of losing weight, thinking that you can achieve that ‘ideal’ weight, can keep you stuck in the dieting mentality. Even if you don’t plan to diet.
One of the solutions is to turn sabotaging thoughts about yourself and about food into thoughts and actions that help you move forward. The following exercises are about this.
Exercise 1: Recognizing sabotaging thoughts
Above, I mentioned a few eating rules that I imposed on myself. Those eating rules came from sabotaging thoughts, such as:
- Everyone thinks I’m fat.
- I ate the whole bag of chips again, I’m such a failure.
- I have to do even better.
- I’m just going to stop snacking from now on.
- I want to change, but I just can’t. (This is also a sabotaging thought, you put yourself in the role of victim. Yes, it sucks sometimes when something doesn’t work out, but it really doesn’t help you to think like that. So get rid of that thought!)
You can imagine that these kinds of thoughts do not help you move forward. How can you replace these sabotaging thoughts with thoughts that help you move forward? The following exercise can help you with this.
- Write down any sabotaging thoughts you have. You may not be able to do that at first, that’s possible. We are often no longer aware of these types of thoughts because they come to us so quickly and automatically. Try to pay attention to them over the next few days and write them down as soon as you think of them.
- Also write down why you had or have that thought.
- Then look at them and think: did this thought help me? What positive things has this thought brought me? Has it given me a better relationship with food? Have I had a better life at all?
No? Time to let go of those sabotaging thoughts 🙂. How do you do that? By asking yourself the questions in point 3 and answering them honestly. This is how you take a first step. Also practice this in conversations with other people. For example, ask if someone else can point this out to you if you express such a thought. Then you can also come up with a helpful thought together, which is what the next exercise is about.
Exercise 2: Thinking helpful thoughts
You are now more aware of your negative or sabotaging thoughts. Next time they pop into your head, ask yourself the following questions. For example in a situation where you’ve had a lot of sweets during the day or when you’ve had a binge, and in the evening you think: ‘Why did I do that, my whole day has been ruined, I’m just worthless.’:
Ask yourself:
- Do these thoughts match reality? With the facts as I know them? Using the example above: Is your day really completely ruined? I’m sure a lot of things went right. And are you really worthless? I don’t believe that, there are plenty of facts that contradict this.
- Do these thoughts help me move forward? Does it help you to think that your day is ruined? No, that just makes you feel more miserable. And that you are worthless? No, that won’t get you anywhere either.
- Which thought will help me move forward? Now we’re getting somewhere! A thought that will help you in this example is: ‘Okay, I snacked more than I wanted. Lots more. But it was difficult for me to refuse my coworker’s cake (or to resist the bag of chips at home; fill in what applies to you). I’m going to make a plan for these kinds of difficult situations so next time I’ll know what I want to do.’
By doing this exercise regularly (if necessary, plan it in your calendar and practice with a situation that has already occurred), you ensure that new, helpful and supportive thoughts come to mind more and more automatically. But you have to keep repeating them, otherwise they won’t become automatic. Practicing practice practice! (= three times the same word 😉).
Also think about what you would say to a good friend who feels like this (ok, this is such a cliché tip, but it works!). Imagine the feel like a total failure after a binge. You probably wouldn’t be so critical of your friend and set such high standards. As soon as you start treating yourself with more love and kindness, your mind will become calmer and food will be less important.
You are not your thoughts
And also remember: you have those thoughts, but they’re not who you are. We think a lot of things in a day, but a lot of it is just nonsense and you don’t have to pay attention to it at all. Just imagine that we had thought bubbles above our heads (like in comics) when we walked down the street. One for every thought. You’d go nuts, taking all those thoughts seriously! Don’t take all your thoughts so seriously. Seriously 😏.
Take your time
In the beginning, these sabotaging thoughts may not seem to diminish and you’ll perhaps want to try a diet again, for example if you have had a binge or after a holiday in which you feel you have had too much snacks.
These types of rules and thoughts have often become completely entrenched in your head and therefore do not simply disappear overnight. They fade away by practicing new thoughts that automatically come to mind over time.
Even now I still occasionally notice that I am checking calories, even though I no longer wish to lose weight. It will always be in the back of my head (waaaaaay back), but in general I’m fine around food, I eat what want (which turns out is mostly healthy, sometimes unhealthy, sometimes more, sometimes less), I’m enjoying my life, and I can enjoy food without annoying side thoughts. Don’t fall for a new diet or socalled lifestyle promoted by the newest influencer. Just stick to these exercises and be kinder to yourself. You are perfect just the way you are. You rock!
Best wishes, Femke
Ps: if you’re serious about losing weight, consult a dietitian. They will help with reliable and scientifically tested methods.